Heavy laden...
Came across this old journal entry today (from over 3 years ago) and am somewhat distressed that I haven't learned much:
January 30, 2002, 1:40 am
Realized today that I have trouble sharing my burdens.
Stemmed from a couple of conversations at work - with the new folks who are coming in... I've just felt a bit uncomfortable letting go of my previous work. I don't know why, maybe it's b/c I still have ideas I'd like to follow through with, or because I still feel like I have ownership/responsibility over those things... so when my boss told me to 'wash my hands of it' and my other coworker said (in response to my 'I don't want to leave (the new guy) out in the cold') 'if he's competent, he'll get it'... I'm going to have to learn that when my responsibilities switch, my old ones will be done by someone else. I don't need to worry about it anymore. But I think I still volunteer quite a bit... i.e. going into the office last Saturday, even though I'm not 'officially' covering that area anymore, I still feel like 'I'm needed' there or something. Maybe it's a desire to be needed.
Outside of work I can see this too... I'm the guy that people come to when they want to vent. I'm a sponge... I totally identify with Pastor Tim when he said that listening is more tiring than talking... when X tells me about his girl... when Y vents about inconsiderate people... when other people are feeling frustrated or difficult, they can IM me or something and I'm more than happy to listen, and maybe help if they so desire. However, this has resulted in my not being able to talk about myself, evaluate myself, how I feel, etc. to talk to other people about... basically, since I'm so willing to listen and I'm the first person to ask, a 'conversation' ends up being me listening. Which is totally cool, and I hope that I'm a blessing. But an end result I think is that I take on other people's burdens, gladly, but I'm unwilling to share mine. Also, maybe because I'm an older bro or something, but I feel like when something needs to be done and no one else wants to or has time to do it, I'll do it. Like if no one is leading a study, I'll lead it; if no one is teaching, I'll teach, if no one is serving, I'll serve. Don't get me wrong, whatever it is, I really enjoy it and love it, but the end result has been a rather large burden... like today, on top of all the work stuff, I also had to prep for tonight's men's group study, and also organize worship team. I need to learn to share my burdens, otherwise I'll be crushed... but it'll take time for me to learn how to be willing and to trust.
Ever get into a state where you feel guilty for doing something recreational? That's basically where I'm at right now. I came home from work, ran an errand, watched most of Game 6 of the NBA Finals (Detroit deserved it... this is shaping up to be a decent series after all), and now, I'm sitting in front of the computer late at night for the x-th day in a row trying to get some logistics and planning done... and I feel guilty for watching the game and spending time doing something I enjoy that's not on my to-do list. I'm trying to plow through this mental malaise like I have in the past, but it's getting harder with each passing day, and things I've involved with are not getting my best quality effort as a result.
One of the Biblical truths that's been repeated over and over again in WCC, Cat & Dog theology talks, and other material is that the higher the level of revelation, the higher the level of accountability God holds you to. In other words, the more God shows you, the more you're responsible for. Well, it seems that in the last three weeks, on top of my regular eventful life, God's been suddenly revealing more and more needs to me - people to follow up on, people to pray for, people to disciple, groups that need leading, things that need doing... and my gut-level instinct is to do them because I know I could. Thing is, the "should I?" paralyzes me, and I'm struggling to pray for direction.
I've been going through 2 Corinthians during devotions, and I realize I'm not being obedient to 9:7 - "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" - since I haven't really been giving of myself cheerfully for a while. I'm really hoping for the grace hinted at in verse 8 - "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work" - but I think there's something I need to do first... just don't know what.
I think I need help, but I'm not sure how to ask for it. I know my friends already have their own burdens to carry, and critically speaking, I should be able to handle my own load. I'm just tired. I have a suspicion that at least a part of the answer I'm looking for lies in Matthew 11:28-30 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" - but I haven't figured out how to apply that yet.
Back to planning...
Came across this old journal entry today (from over 3 years ago) and am somewhat distressed that I haven't learned much:
January 30, 2002, 1:40 am
Realized today that I have trouble sharing my burdens.
Stemmed from a couple of conversations at work - with the new folks who are coming in... I've just felt a bit uncomfortable letting go of my previous work. I don't know why, maybe it's b/c I still have ideas I'd like to follow through with, or because I still feel like I have ownership/responsibility over those things... so when my boss told me to 'wash my hands of it' and my other coworker said (in response to my 'I don't want to leave (the new guy) out in the cold') 'if he's competent, he'll get it'... I'm going to have to learn that when my responsibilities switch, my old ones will be done by someone else. I don't need to worry about it anymore. But I think I still volunteer quite a bit... i.e. going into the office last Saturday, even though I'm not 'officially' covering that area anymore, I still feel like 'I'm needed' there or something. Maybe it's a desire to be needed.
Outside of work I can see this too... I'm the guy that people come to when they want to vent. I'm a sponge... I totally identify with Pastor Tim when he said that listening is more tiring than talking... when X tells me about his girl... when Y vents about inconsiderate people... when other people are feeling frustrated or difficult, they can IM me or something and I'm more than happy to listen, and maybe help if they so desire. However, this has resulted in my not being able to talk about myself, evaluate myself, how I feel, etc. to talk to other people about... basically, since I'm so willing to listen and I'm the first person to ask, a 'conversation' ends up being me listening. Which is totally cool, and I hope that I'm a blessing. But an end result I think is that I take on other people's burdens, gladly, but I'm unwilling to share mine. Also, maybe because I'm an older bro or something, but I feel like when something needs to be done and no one else wants to or has time to do it, I'll do it. Like if no one is leading a study, I'll lead it; if no one is teaching, I'll teach, if no one is serving, I'll serve. Don't get me wrong, whatever it is, I really enjoy it and love it, but the end result has been a rather large burden... like today, on top of all the work stuff, I also had to prep for tonight's men's group study, and also organize worship team. I need to learn to share my burdens, otherwise I'll be crushed... but it'll take time for me to learn how to be willing and to trust.
Ever get into a state where you feel guilty for doing something recreational? That's basically where I'm at right now. I came home from work, ran an errand, watched most of Game 6 of the NBA Finals (Detroit deserved it... this is shaping up to be a decent series after all), and now, I'm sitting in front of the computer late at night for the x-th day in a row trying to get some logistics and planning done... and I feel guilty for watching the game and spending time doing something I enjoy that's not on my to-do list. I'm trying to plow through this mental malaise like I have in the past, but it's getting harder with each passing day, and things I've involved with are not getting my best quality effort as a result.
One of the Biblical truths that's been repeated over and over again in WCC, Cat & Dog theology talks, and other material is that the higher the level of revelation, the higher the level of accountability God holds you to. In other words, the more God shows you, the more you're responsible for. Well, it seems that in the last three weeks, on top of my regular eventful life, God's been suddenly revealing more and more needs to me - people to follow up on, people to pray for, people to disciple, groups that need leading, things that need doing... and my gut-level instinct is to do them because I know I could. Thing is, the "should I?" paralyzes me, and I'm struggling to pray for direction.
I've been going through 2 Corinthians during devotions, and I realize I'm not being obedient to 9:7 - "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" - since I haven't really been giving of myself cheerfully for a while. I'm really hoping for the grace hinted at in verse 8 - "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work" - but I think there's something I need to do first... just don't know what.
I think I need help, but I'm not sure how to ask for it. I know my friends already have their own burdens to carry, and critically speaking, I should be able to handle my own load. I'm just tired. I have a suspicion that at least a part of the answer I'm looking for lies in Matthew 11:28-30 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" - but I haven't figured out how to apply that yet.
Back to planning...
posted by Bob at
11:24 PM
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