Short form: Didn't do quite as well as I would have liked on the GRE. Specifically, I did well on the essays and the verbal but took the math portion for granted and screwed up. So, I'll be taking the test again on Monday (Nov. 1) as you can take it once per month, and this is the only day available at any testing location in the Bay Area (I'll be heading up to Alameda). Thanks for everyone's prayers and support. Maybe I'll write up a longer version later, but I'll basically be practicing all weekend.

Taking the GRE on Thursday, so not gonna write a whole lot here... I did take both today and tomorrow off for studying and some application research. I'll elaborate more on the grad school stuff later... Admittedly, it's kinda fun getting back into study mode, quizzing myself on problems and memorizing words and such. 'Course, I find that I also fall back into old procrastinating habits too. Some things don't change without a lot of hard work.

Possibly course-altering discovery of the day: whereas I was originally intending to apply solely to Masters programs, it may be that most schools target their PhD program at people like me who don't have prior graduate school training. So the original 2-year plan may turn into 5 years. Further research and prayer needed.

The Red Sox may be thisclose to breaking the curse, or setting themselves up for the worst application of the curse in sports history.

I am way behind in prepping for the two (count'em, two!) fantasy basketball drafts I have this upcoming weekend. S'okay though... just can't wait for the NBA to get going.

While reading the newspaper today, I saw like six ads for Lasik. I've always kicked around the idea of eventually having surgery to correct my horrendously bad eyesight, but I wonder if the risk is worth it. It would be stupendous to not have to live with glasses or contacts on all the time, but if there are unforeseen side effects (like the loss of night vision earlier in life, for example) then I dunno...

The last month or so, I've been dealing with an on-again, off-again rash/skin irritation that's been showing up on the right side of my face. I finally got it checked out by my family physician today, and the current hypothesis is that it's something stress-induced (from the horrid work schedule of about a month ago) and it should eventually take care of itself. In the meantime though, I've learned that I can be surprisingly self-conscious. It's gotten to the point where I will sometimes avoid eye contact with people because it's an uncomfortable feeling to see their eyes shift focus from my eyes to my face, trying to figure out what's going on. I'm trying to keep a good humor about it though. Thus far I've used two facetious explanations for the "What happened to your face?" question I've been getting: "I got in a fight with a guy - if you think I look bad, just imagine what he looks like!" and "I've got leprosy. Stay away! Stay away!"

Greatest Choke? Or Greatest Comeback?

I haven't decided yet whether the Red Sox' comeback from down 3-0 in the best of seven series to win, without home field advantage, is the greatest comeback in baseball history or the greatest choke (by the Yankees). On the one hand, the Sox were able to gut it out and get clutch performances from Schilling and Ortiz. On the other, the Yankees had two chances to close out the series, with leads in the late innings and the greatest postseason closer of all time on the mound. Right now I'm leaning towards greatest choke.

Anyway, good job Sox! Way to take down the Evil Empire. Now to root for the Cardinals in the World Series. I was kinda rooting for the Astros though... the Cards are relatively young and will be contending for years to come, while Beltran may leave Houston and Biggo and Bagwell are coming up on the end of their careers without a title.

Moving

My company will be moving to a new building in Sunnyvale this weekend, right behind Fry's. Hm, a bunch of geeks spending most of their waking hours walking distance from Fry's... sounds like a recipe for disaster. I'll now have to drive Lawrence every day to work, which means that while my commute distance has been almost halved, the commute time will be about the same. It was kind of nice driving 680-280 every morning for a year and a half... cruising at 70 mph for 20 miles each way gave me plenty of time to think and enjoy music. Now I'll have to deal with Lawrence. Ah well. Even though I spent a fair amount of time around that area when the Avalon Boyz were living at their complex, let me know if anyone knows any good hole-in-the-wall places that I can suggest when my coworkers and I are looking for new places to eat.

"I would have been a murderer"

Quote of the week, from a sermon by Pastor Tim Keller of Redeemer Church in Manhattan, that we listened to in men's group this week (somewhat paraphrased):

"You, and I, are evil. I am evil. Under different circumstances, I would have been a murderer. It is only by God's grace that I am anything otherwise."

The prideful part of me wants to protest otherwise - "No, never! I'm much too good and moral of a person. Even if I hadn't grown up in an upper-middle-class family with a multitude of opportunities, even if I hadn't gone to good schools and gotten a good job, there's no way I'd stoop so low as to become the worst of criminals, someone who robs another of their life... right?" However, without the teaching of right and wrong, or of taking personal responsibility, who's to say that I wouldn't murder someone? Rape someone? Even the most despicable of people that we can think of in human history began life as innocent infants. What if my place and theirs were reversed? Would I really have done any different?

The more that I think about it, it is both a sobering and a joyful thing to know that I can generate no good on my own. Sobering in the sense that the dark side of the human soul could in fact be so destructive and hopeless without proper boundaries and focus. Joyful in the sense that while man's pride described in Genesis 2 (wanting to "be like God") gave us the ability to discern right from wrong, it is God's apportioned grace that enables us to choose right and to delight in it. Taking it a step further, since we can't control our circumstances, those of us that God has blessed with the environment to experience His grace have that much more of a duty to share this grace with those under different circumstances. And, the amazing thing is that this duty is not a burden when it is performed - it is a pleasure.

God, forgive me for I am evil. I desire to experience Your grace daily. May You be magnified as you transform me and those around me through the work that You've done, are doing, and will continue to do. Amen.

Love of the game

Back in high school, we used to play basketball on just about a daily basis. Hot, cold, rain or shine, if we could get enough people, we'd be out on the blacktop.

Had a little taste of nostalgia this past Sunday when, after a particularly long consistory meeting, a bunch of us went out to the park at around 4 pm - right around the time the gray skies were darkening and beginning to cast down a light mist. We were able to play one game of full-speed 3-on-3 and had just started a 5-on-5 game when the rain began in earnest, soaking us from head to foot. Perhaps a little machismo pride crept in at this point, as through some unspoken agreement, we decided to continue playing. Sure, everyone was wise enough to go half-speed to make sure no one fell, and the water-soaked basketball quickly became twice as heavy as it should have been (making perimeter shots all but impossible). Moving around on the court left little foamy streaks across the surface of the court as our shoes churned up the layers of liquefied dust. Good times...

In other news, despite the absence of any Bay Area teams in the baseball playoffs, both the ALCS and the NLCS have been immensely entertaining. Drama up the wazoo, compelling characters, gut-wrenching pressure situations, and clutch performances... what a great playoffs.

The Cal Bears continue to roll. I see Arrington (uniform #30) take the handoff, hit the line and then cut back for a big gain, and I can't help but be reminded of Terrell Davis' #30 in his glory days with the Broncos.

Yao Ming is hilarious. Check out these quotes from the online excerpt from his recently-published autobiography:

My mom thought if I went to college, then I could stay in the city, find a job, find a girlfriend, take her out, then find another one, maybe change girlfriends four times a year, have a good life. -- Four girlfriends a year? Whatta playa!

When your mom calls you soft, you listen.

Even when I went to the sports school to play basketball, my parents never said, "You must win the championship" or "You must be the best." Some kids would tell their parents, "I got a good score. I got 95 out of 100 on my test." And the parents would ask, "Why didn't you get 100 points?" Or the parents would ask, "Who was first in your class?" If the kid said somebody got a better score, the parents would say, "You must beat them." My parents never said anything like that. The only time they'd say something was when my score was below 60. Then I'd get smacked. -- Sounds like Chinese parents in China are pretty much like Chinese parents in America...

One movie was supposedly based on a true story. It's about a Chinese soldier on a base near the end of the Korean War. He's the last one left; everybody else has died. He radios the Chinese air force and says, "Open fire. I'm the target." And then he grabs a bomb and runs into the middle of the U.S. soldiers. The planes use him as a target and he dies.That's how the movie ends.That's what it takes to be a hero in China. (See why I don't think I'm a hero or want to be called one?)

Team-first Squad

I'm psyched for the upcoming NBA season. Well, I'm psyched for every NBA season, but this year just has a good vibe to it - there's no more Evil Empire in Lakerland, team ball has come back to the forefront with the Pistons, Spurs, and TWolves at the top of everyone's preseason rankings, the Olympics has exposed the inadequacies and overall unwatchableness of American playground ball, there's big names in new places, and there's no clear-cut favorite to take the crown.

Plus, the fantasy hoops season is upon us! I usually run two leagues, one with a bunch of old Cal folks and one with a bunch of Canaan folks. Last year we had 12 teams in each; however, this year it seems that some of the regulars aren't committing due to time constraints or work or other obligations. So if you're interested, drop me a line and I can see about including you in one of the leagues.

A few weeks ago, in response to the USA taking the bronze at the Olympics, ESPN ran a series on who they'd choose to make up a 12-man roster of team-first guys, with superstars, role players, and specialists. While they restricted theirs to American ballers, here's who I'd choose if I could make up a roster from anyone in today's NBA (and while I like all these players for their attitudes, it doesn't necessarily mean I'll place more emphasis on them in my fantasy draft ;-)):

I basically went Memphis-style and created two 5-man squads that play particular styles, giving my hypothetical coach a 10-man rotation that can hit an opponent's weakness - either wearing them down in the half court and then running them out of the gym, or getting them tired and then smashing them up. In my hypothetical system, there's a point guard running the show (G), two wings (W) representing the traditional SG and SF, and two F/Cs (basically big men who alternate high-low post on offense and shut down the lane on defense).

Squad A - halfcourt offense
G Mike Bibby
W Ray Allen
W Shane Battier
F/C Elton Brand
F/C Tim Duncan

This is the more methodical group, with the focus on two outstanding big men in the post on offense and defense and supplemented by great outside shooting. The halfcourt offense would run through Duncan, who draws the double team the majority of the time, opening up shots for shooters extraordinaire Allen and Bibby, with Battier also able to hit shots from the corners. Bibby can also run the pick and roll with either Brand or Duncan. On defense, Bibby and Allen's jobs would be to funnel their men into Brand and Duncan, two of the top five shot blockers in the league, while Battier can lock up most perimeter players. This group can run, but is better suited to beat people up inside while shooting over the top when the opposing team doubles down.

Squad B - running offense
G Jason Kidd
W Manu Ginobili
W Andrei Kirilenko
F/C Ben Wallace
F/C Kevin Garnett

This group will run even after made shots. Their obvious advantage is in speed, length and athleticism. Kidd and Ginobili playing the passing lanes, Kirilenko pressing players with his never-ending limbs, and the presence of Big Ben in the paint frees up KG to roam on defense for steals and blocks. The offense is triggered by the defense, as a rebound-outlet pass or turnover gets Kidd out on the break and into his element, with Manu and AK-47 filling the lanes while KG trails, all capable of finishing in monster fashion. In the halfcourt, the lack of a reliable perimeter shooter means that the offense will run through KG in the high or low post creating shots for cutting teammates, or penetration by Ginobili.

Bench/Injured Reserve/Future pickups
G Tony Parker
W Mike Dunleavy
W LeBron James
F/C Yao Ming

I couldn't quite pare my bench/IR down to a 12-man roster, so here's 4 guys I'd pick to fill out my team. With Kidd aging, Parker is perfectly suited to step in and assume the mantle of quickest man with the ball outside of Iverson, which would help drive the running team. Dunleavy can do a little bit of everything on offense (shoot, handle, make good cuts, deliver timely entry passes into the post, etc.) which makes him an ideal sub for either squad as long as there are players with defensive strengths to cover for him. LeBron will develop into a shooting-passing-rebounding Swiss Army Knife do-it-all monster once he gets a little bit of experience... he's basically already a mini-monster, and he seems to genuinely enjoy setting teammates up for scores. Yao's passing vision and feathery, unblockable shooting touch make him ideal for the Duncan role on the halfcourt squad when TD or Brand need a breather.

This roster is subject to change as other players catch my eye as guys who seem to really understand the essence of basketball as a team sport.

Off rhythm

When I practice music with the praise band from church, one thing that is essential is to keep everyone in rhythm with each other. If any one instrument or vocalist inadvertently speeds up the tempo, I'll need to emphasize strums and toe-tapping out the beat to get everyone back on track, because there's not much that's more distracting during musical worship than a disconnected band. There's great enjoyment when everyone's flowing and hitting every note in a synchronized fashion, but just a few weeks off can throw people's skills out of whack and require some time to tune back up again.

There's a similar flow in the game of basketball (I've most often heard the sport compared to jazz, with its improvisational nature). When you're feeling it, every angle becomes clear, you can see things happen in your mind before they happen on the court, you know what your teammate is going to do and react to that, and the ball feels like butter coming off your fingers.

Having not played in several weeks due to the work schedule, I was distinctly off rhythm on Sunday when I finally had the chance to run, jump, and sweat with the guys out on the hardcourt again. Numerous turnovers, plays where I left my feet without a clear idea of what I was going to do, muffing simple passes and missing open jump shots... it was quite aggravating to have a hand in many of my team's losses. Plus, on one particular play, I was so juked by a pump fake that I flew out of bounds and landed on my side, resulting in patches of skin missing from my elbow and back. I didn't even realize the back skin was missing until I stretched out in bed going to sleep and rubbed raw flesh against my shirt. Plus, I accidentally left blood from my elbow on George's new microfiber sofa... good thing it wiped off. Phew!

It's been a process trying to get back in the swing of things, balancing work, church, studying, recreation, etc. now that 80% of my waking hours aren't spent at the office. Still feel a bit off.

On to some ramblings...

Agonizing loss by the Bears to USC last Saturday. For all but 1 minute, Aaron Rodgers looked like the reincarnation of Montana or Elway, rocketing pinpoint passes to receivers and using his legs to pick up a few crucial first downs. Time to take down UCLA this Saturday and begin our march to the Rose Bowl.

Good to see Jerry this past Sunday. A bunch of us went out to dinner, and he reminded us of what we were missing - during conversation, Maria mentioned that she had just watched the "Mean Girls" DVD and for some reason felt that I might find it interesting. Jerry then piped up, "Is it because Bob hangs out with mean girls?" The shocked/indignant look on the faces of the ladies at the table was identical and pricelessly hilarious. Zing!

Lyric of the week: "River God" by Nichole Nordeman
Rolling river God / Little stones are smooth only once the water passes through / So I am a stone, rough and grainy still / Trying to reconcile this river's chill / But when I close my eyes and feel You rushing by / I know that time brings change and change takes time / And when the sunset comes, my prayer will be this one / That You might pick me up and notice that I am just a little smoother in Your hand

I'm so ridiculously lazy. This flaw keeps crippling me.

Last night at midnight as we were struggling to finally finish up this release at work, one of my coworkers likened it to the closest experience a male engineer could have to giving birth. Long, sleepless nights, a difficult delivery process, having to deal with problems at the last minute, the agonizingly long wait of the last build, dozens of people crowded around waiting to see if the final bug verification was correct. Everyone found that quite amusing.

If you're a company with a network that would like a security monitoring and mitigating appliance, feel free to check out our website. Maybe I can get a sales commission!

They gave us today off, so I'm going to go out and enjoy the sunshine a little bit before doing some problem sets.

My prediction for tomorrow's highly anticipated Cal-USC matchup: Cal 31, USC 28. I nearly predicted the Insight Bowl score (predicted 50-49, final was 52-49) so here's hoping my prediction comes true again. Go Bears!

***

I just got back from a trip to Fry's that began with the intent of buying ESPN NBA 2K5 for $20, and ended up with both NBA 2K5 and NFL 2K5 for $20 along with a third game for $10 that my coworker picked up. So, I got two games for the price of one from their 3 for $30 sale on selected titles. I've never played video game football before, but I figure that if I don't give this one away as a gift, I might as well start playing with the best-reviewed one on the market today.

Time for youth group...

So tired. So very tired.

Can't afford to rest.

Jinx

I jinxed myself. Note the times in this chat with Karen, who was nice enough to update me with live happenings from the games as I followed the Giants, A's, and Cal Bears online while at work today:

[03:27:29 PM] Bob: Cal is up
[03:27:31 PM] Bob: Giants are up
[03:27:32 PM] Bob: A's are up
[03:27:48 PM] Bob: if God wants to break my heart as a sports fan, he has a great chance to do it in the next hour or so
[03:28:04 PM] Karen: hahaha
[03:29:05 PM] Karen: let's hope not
[03:33:50 PM] Bob: 8th inning Giants up 3-0
[03:33:56 PM] Bob: 8th inning A's up 4-2
[03:34:04 PM] Bob: 3rd qtr Cal up 35-7
[03:34:08 PM] Bob: I guess I can relax on the last one
...
[04:02:39 PM] Bob: okay
[04:02:42 PM] Bob: one more inning for the Giants in today's game
[04:02:52 PM] Bob: A's have problems
[04:10:29 PM] Bob: A's are on their last two uots
[04:10:29 PM] Bob: outs
[04:15:14 PM] Bob: A's lost
[04:15:44 PM] Karen: yup
[04:15:55 PM] Karen: jt must be sad
[04:19:08 PM] Bob: Giants are killing me
[04:19:10 PM] Bob: Dodgers have 2 on
[04:19:11 PM] Bob: 1 out
[04:19:23 PM] Bob: heart attack city
[04:19:58 PM] Karen: i know
[04:22:41 PM] Bob: crap crap crap crap
[04:22:46 PM] Bob: bases loaded
[04:22:46 PM] Bob: one out
[04:22:48 PM] Bob: for Dodgers
[04:22:49 PM] Bob: bottom of 9th
[04:26:53 PM] Bob: crrrraaaaap
[04:27:28 PM] Karen: giants are still in the lead
[04:27:33 PM] Karen: although
[04:27:35 PM] Karen: bases loaded
[04:27:49 PM] Bob: only ONE OUT
[04:28:01 PM] Karen: yeah
[04:30:25 PM] Karen: uh oh
[04:30:27 PM] Karen: BAD BAD BAD
[04:31:47 PM] Bob: my GUI hasn't updated
[04:31:50 PM] Bob: what happeend
[04:31:52 PM] Bob: happened
[04:31:54 PM] Karen: dodgers scored
[04:31:55 PM] Karen: another run
[04:31:58 PM] Karen: and a runner on third now
[04:32:03 PM] Bob: 2 outs?
[04:32:05 PM] Karen: one out
[04:32:08 PM] Karen: the guy missed the ball
[04:32:09 PM] Karen: completely
[04:32:15 PM] Bob: so bases still loaded?
[04:32:17 PM] Karen: yes
[04:32:20 PM] Karen: bases loaded one out
[04:32:21 PM] Karen: and 3-2
[04:32:31 PM] Bob: need double play
[04:33:57 PM] Bob: DANGIT
[04:34:01 PM] Bob: was the error
[04:34:03 PM] Bob: a fieldable ball
[04:34:04 PM] Karen: yup
[04:34:06 PM] Karen: error
[04:34:08 PM] Bob: CRAAAAAPPPPP
[04:34:12 PM] Bob: could have had a DOUBLE PLAY THERE
[04:34:15 PM] Bob: ENDED THE GAME
[04:34:19 PM] Karen: yeah
[04:34:24 PM] Bob: (I'm probably as emotionally invested in the Giants as JT is in the A's)
[04:34:26 PM] Karen: he missed the ball
[04:34:34 PM] Karen: or as i am in cal football
[04:34:35 PM] Karen: hahaha
[04:34:51 PM] Karen: two strikes
[04:37:05 PM] Karen: foul again
[04:37:08 PM] Karen: still 2-2
[04:37:53 PM] Karen: crap
[04:37:53 PM] Karen: TIED
[04:38:05 PM] Karen: TIED and one out
[04:38:16 PM] Karen: hit a single
[04:38:18 PM] Karen: one out still
[04:38:46 PM] Bob: I'm dying
[04:41:49 PM] Karen: ITS OVER
[04:41:51 PM] Karen: HOMERUN

The only silver lining here is that the Giants aren't eliminated from the playoffs just yet... but they'll need some help from Colorado against the Astros. Dangit!

At least Cal rolled and is looking good going into their showdown against USC next week.

And the NBA starts up in less than a month.

Ah, the agony of sports fandom... gotta love it.

Flickering...

The last time we had this kind of work schedule, I remember feeling frustrated and at times running on a very short fuse. Nowadays, I just feel close to burning out.

Not just because of the work schedule (arrive 9:30 am-10 am, leave 10 pm), but also with the GRE upcoming on the 28th, I go home and I have to force myself to study for at least a half hour to an hour a day - getting to the point where even leaving work is not much of a relief. I really haven't gotten much rest in a while, and I think that even when I do try to relax, my brain won't shut off because I'll always feel a pall hanging over my head that I should be doing something (working, studying, doing apps).

I'll be in the office all weekend with a break for worship on Sunday morning. The times I'm not here I should be studying. Prayers and accountability are appreciated.

Random thoughts...

Kerry was definitely more poised and focused during the debate with the President last night. I didn't hear anything new about their views on foreign policy. While Bush may or may not be right in his convictions with regards to Iraq, it puzzles me that he doesn't think that any of his decisions were incorrect. Kerry is a wild card, we really have no idea whatsoever of his capability of relating to other nations as Commander-In-Chief (in both friendly and unfriendly ways). I'll be interested in hearing what they have to say about domestic policy in the upcoming debates.

Current CDs: The Best of U2: 1980-1990 is currently in my player, which will be followed by Legacy: The Best of Boyz II Men. The former is introducing me to some of the greatest hits of a band that, while considered by many to be the second-greatest band of all time (to the Beatles), I only began getting into in the last year or so. The latter is more for the nostalgia factor of all those great hits from junior high and high school from the R&B group - plus it's extra fun to sing along to in the car because there are 4 distinct harmonies to try to pick up.

I almost never buy video games, even though I have a PS2, mostly because I don't have much occasion to play. To put that in perspective, I'm still playing NBA 2K2, released over 3.5 years ago. However, based on hype and talks with other people inside and outside the office, I'm considering the following:
ESPN NBA 2K5 - Only $20! Plus, it'd be nice to be able to play as LeBron and all the new guys from the past few years without having to create them all in 2K2 (like I did with Ginobili and Dunleavy).
Star Wars: Battlefront
X-Men: Legends - looks like a Gauntlet-style game, 4-person simultaneous smash-em-up, except with the X-Men. Good reviews too. Would be fun to play with a bunch of guys.

Dodgers vs. Giants this weekend... Giants need to sweep to force a tie, but more than likely they're reduced to battling Houston for the wild card. My younger cousin in LA has been going back and forth with me on some friendly trash talking over the last few weeks... here's a touching moment:
[02:44:42 PM] little_cousin: my friend gOt dOdger playOff tickeTs..
[02:45:21 PM] Bob: nice
[02:46:26 PM] little_cousin: uh huh..
[02:46:58 PM] little_cousin: im gOing tO the Game on SAterday.. & i decided in hOnOr Of u.. i wOn't bOO the Giants
[02:51:12 PM] little_cousin: :-D
[02:53:42 PM] Bob: :) that's sweet
[02:53:44 PM] Bob: thanks so much